Archive for February, 2015


happy 6th birthday keta!




Francine often questions how long I’ll be her mom, if I’ll still be her mom when, who will be her mom when I die, what would make me not her mom anymore and lots of similar questions. She comments randomly on how much she will miss me when that time comes. She does not want to stick me “in the ground with a rock” on my head. I told her that’s not what I want either. Maybe she’s too young, but the girl is looking for answers and a feeling of security and she wants to know she knows what to do and she needs time to wrap her little mind around it all. This applies to everything, not just my demise. But, right now there’s a focus on my demise. So we talk about it.  She’s really worried. I’m sure Keta is worried as well, but in a much less vocal way. What if you die in bed?  Who will get you out?  What if you die about to…..? What am I going to do when you die?  Francine has accepted that she doesn’t have to stick me in the ground with a rock on my head and feels pretty good about it. She’s accepted that I won’t feel a thing when someone “throws a fire” on me and she is not responsible for performing the task. I told her to let the wind take my ashes and that I’d kind of be everywhere and I told her I’d always be with her, always be her mama. And just as suddenly as it comes up, the subject dies for a bit. I know she’ll bring it up again. I hate that at five years old she’s experienced enough loss that she’s worried about the next time. I hate that she’s worried.

Last night she told me, “Mama, I hope my  ashes get blowed where your ashes get blowed.”



kind of perfect

Keta was telling me stories when we were cuddling before bed, princess stories. This is a girl who can describe a two second scene from a movie in 94 minutes or more. She can describe at length everything about everything with enough fluency to make you wonder if she actually knows what she’s talking about. No short stories or getting right to the point with this one. Having had enough of the princess stories I finally requested a story about a regular girl who did something extraordinary. Hmmmm, she says, like Laura and Mary? Nope, just a made up by Keta regular girl who did something extraordinary. Here’s her story….
This is about a girl named Keta who was adopted by her mama. She grew up and was, well, kind of perfect. The end.

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349 days

Keta has been looking forward to her birthday for exactly 349 days.  Since the day after her last birthday, 350 days ago, she’s been “’bout to turn six!” and she’s excited to inform anyone who will listen.

Keta — Mama, guess what!?

Me – Nothing, I’m rarely given an opportunity to respond verbally.  I’m making an excited and eager face to match hers.

Keta – I’m ‘bout to turn six!

On the phone with Bibi…

Keta – Bibi, guess what?!

Bibi – Starts to say something, but is interrupted in the middle of her too slow attempt.

Keta — I’m ‘bout to turn six!

This, for the last 349 days, with increasing frequency.

For me, it’ll be bittersweet when the birthday finally rolls around.  Not because of the absence of the, “Mama guess what I’m ’bout to turn six” thing.  That will be replaced with a new and improved version going something like, “Mama guess what I’m ’bout to turn seven!” but because she seems to be  getting older so quickly!  Soon she’ll be ready to tell me she’s ’bout to turn seventeen!

Here she is, ’bout to turn six!