19
Feb
15

ashes

Francine often questions how long I’ll be her mom, if I’ll still be her mom when, who will be her mom when I die, what would make me not her mom anymore and lots of similar questions. She comments randomly on how much she will miss me when that time comes. She does not want to stick me “in the ground with a rock” on my head. I told her that’s not what I want either. Maybe she’s too young, but the girl is looking for answers and a feeling of security and she wants to know she knows what to do and she needs time to wrap her little mind around it all. This applies to everything, not just my demise. But, right now there’s a focus on my demise. So we talk about it.  She’s really worried. I’m sure Keta is worried as well, but in a much less vocal way. What if you die in bed?  Who will get you out?  What if you die about to…..? What am I going to do when you die?  Francine has accepted that she doesn’t have to stick me in the ground with a rock on my head and feels pretty good about it. She’s accepted that I won’t feel a thing when someone “throws a fire” on me and she is not responsible for performing the task. I told her to let the wind take my ashes and that I’d kind of be everywhere and I told her I’d always be with her, always be her mama. And just as suddenly as it comes up, the subject dies for a bit. I know she’ll bring it up again. I hate that at five years old she’s experienced enough loss that she’s worried about the next time. I hate that she’s worried.

Last night she told me, “Mama, I hope my  ashes get blowed where your ashes get blowed.”

 

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1 Response to “ashes”


  1. 1 kim
    February 19, 2015 at 7:35 pm

    Love ❤ the end with the ashes landing together especially.


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